TV GUIDE

“do you look for signs in TV static?”
i lied
and i said yes, but truthfully
sometimes i nearly see something…
i think if i sat closer
i would be able to make it out--
“why don’t you then?”
i’m not afraid of what i’d see,
i’d just ruin my eyesight.
(so that’s why you don’t look at my face)

when i speak, my voice is dirt.
when i hear it recorded, it’s ipecac syrup.
when you hear it, it’s oppressive VCR static coming from the basement.

i asked my therapist;

1. why do i sit on your couch in front of the tv all day?

2. does everyone get sweat stains?

3. what is this ringing in my ears?

i did your laundry in the morning and folded them watching tv.

i’m repeating myself,
words and motions, GIFs,
i’m rewinding and replaying.
everyone is watching me with the same attention given to waiting room programming;
u can only rewind so many times before
u break the tape.

tic tic tic. that’s apt, it’s a tic,
happening before i can stop it.
once i had sex without noticing the record was skipping. tic tic tic.
the VCR automatically rewinds and i continue watching with a thousand yard stare--
still don’t get the ending.

i ask the wrong questions, i repeat things, it’s broken.

i’ve smashed my skull in the same spot
with the same hammer
for so long
that it’s stuck to my forehead for everyone to see.
BME pain olympics, big winner.

turn off the tv!
what kind of ppl are you?
how can you watch this shit?